


I Love You to the Moon and Back

by YamiAki96



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Comfort, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Past Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-21
Updated: 2014-12-20
Packaged: 2018-02-22 01:43:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2489885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YamiAki96/pseuds/YamiAki96
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the death of his son, Castiel unwillingly joins a support group for grieving parents. It's just his luck that he finds comfort in Dean Winchester.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Castiel Milton shifted uneasily in his seat, his sister’s gaze making him uncomfortable.

 

“Anna, can I please‒”

 

“No.”

 

Castiel sighed. He knew why she had dragged him to this restaurant. He looked over at the playground, then winced and looked away.

 

“This isn’t helping me, you know,” He said, eyes closed. “It’s actually hurting me.” Anna sighed.

 

“Cas, you can’t keep avoiding the places you used to go together.” Castiel refused to look up and Anna sighed again.

 

“Okay. We can leave. But I want you to promise me something.”

 

“What?”

 

“There’s a grief support group I found.” Castiel groaned. “Cas, it’s full of parents who lost their kids. They can help you. Please, just go to one meeting?”

 

“Fine. I’ll go. Just don’t bring me back here ever again.” Anna nodded.

 

“I’m sorry. I thought….I don’t know, I guess I thought it might make you smile. I hate seeing you like this, Cas.”

 

“It’s no walk in the park for me either!” Castiel said, standing up. Anna followed him back to her car. Castiel hadn’t driven since the accident. Since the night his son had been taking from him by a drunk driver.

 

Anna gave him the information for the group that she found when she dropped him off. It was that night at seven at the community center. Castiel gave her a half-hearted thanks before walking into his house and shutting the world out again. 

 

He hit the button on his answering machine while he was hanging his coat back up and sighed when his agent’s voice came through the speaker.

 

“Castiel,” Crowley said, “I know it’s been a difficult time for you and I’m very sorry, but the publication wants a new book by the end of the year. Give me a call when you get you this.”

 

Castiel deleted the message and made his way up the stairs. He walked into the bedroom that had been empty for months and sat on the bed, looking down at the Cars bed sheets.

 

Alfie had loved them, even going so far as to refuse to sleep in his bed when they weren’t on. Cas smiled a little at the memory, even as he started crying again.

 

Nine months. His son had been dead for nine months. Castiel still couldn’t grasp that the best six years of his life had been stolen from him in only a few seconds.

 

He sat there for a long time, tears running down his face, just looking at the toys Alfie had left laying out. He had promised he’d clean up when they got home, Castiel remembered. He had never been able to say no.

 

Eventually, Castiel stood and went to shower and get dressed. He had been refusing to go these groups for months. How could anyone help him through this? A peice of him was gone and he’d never be able to get it back. What was the point of telling strangers about it?

 

The center wasn’t too far away, luckily, so Cas didn’t have to call anyone to take him. The walk made him feel a little better, anyway.

 

There were several people in the room when Castiel walked in. Most seemed to be regulars and talked quietly with one another while they waited for the meeting to start. There was a man around Castiel’s age sitting down already by himself. Cas made his way over to where he was.

 

“Can I sit here?” The man looked up and nodded. They didn’t speak after that. About five minutes later everyone else sat, too.

 

“Hello, everyone,” A dark haired woman said. Most of the group repeated the greeting. “As most of you know, I’m Jody, and I lead the group. My son and husband were killed in a home invasion a few ago.

 

“I see we have a few new faces, so we’ll start with you. Just tell us your name and your story.” The blond man beside Castiel shifted.

 

“Uh, I’m Dean. I wasn’t really a parent parent, but I spent my whole life raising my baby brother. He….He overdosed about five years ago. I just…. It just hits me sometimes and I need to come to one of these.”

 

“Thank you, Dean.” The woman looked at Castiel.

 

“My name is Castiel. My son died nine months ago.” That was all he said. Jody nodded, understanding, and moved on to the woman beside him. Her son Kevin had been killed for a gang initiation.

 

The rest of the group were regulars whos kids had died in accidents or from disease. Castiel didn’t understand how talking about them helped until Jody came to him.

 

“Castiel, why don’t you tell us about your son?” He swallowed and nodded.

 

“He was six. He was my world.” His voice choked up and he looked away. The woman next to him, Linda, laid a hand on his arm.

 

“Dean?” Jody said, giving Castiel time to calm down.

 

“Sam was the smart one,” The man said. “He was a fucking genius. Sorry, I‒”

 

“It’s okay, Dean. We’re all adults here.”

 

“He got a full ride to Stanford. He had everything going for him, you know. But he got mixed up with the wrong people and nothing I did helped him.” Dean stopped there and Jody gave the group a smile.

 

“Well, that’s time. Same time next week guys.” Everyone stood and helped put the chairs away. The regulars stayed for coffee and talked, but Castiel followed Dean as he left.

 

It was raining when they exited the building and Castiel groaned.

 

“Leave your windows down?” He looked at Dean. His had popped his collar against the wind and had managed to light a cigarette.

 

“May I have one?” He nodded and held out the pack and the lighter. Castiel took and lit one before handing them back. He breathed in and felt a bit better.

 

“I walked here,” He said when he exhaled. “I’m going to get drenched.”

 

“Want a ride?” He tilted his head at the man, who shrugged in return. “Just offerin’. I’m not a serial killer.”

 

“If you don’t mind,” Castiel said. Dean smiled and led Cas to a big black car.

 

“My baby,” Dean said, proudly, then stopped. “I’m sorry, man, that‒” Castiel held up a hand.

 

“It’s fine, Dean. Your car is very beautiful.”

 

“I practically lived in this thing when I was kid,” Dean said, as they got in. “When my dad was home, he would take me and Sammy on roadtrips. We went everywhere, man. It’s one of the only things I have left of them.”

 

“I am sorry about your brother,” Castiel said.

 

“Thanks. I just saw this movie today that a kid that looked like him in it. Triggered me, I guess. I’m sorry about your son.”

 

“Thank you. Turn here.” They spent the rest of the ride in silence except for the times Castiel had to give directions.

 

“This one,” He said. Dean stopped the car. “Thank you for the ride, Dean.”

 

“No problem, man.” Castiel reached for the door, but Dean stopped him.

 

“It gets better,” He said. “I know you’ve probably heard that ten thousand times, but I promise it does. It doesn’t happen overnight. Hell, it took me years to finally be able to pictures of Sam without tearing up. But it does get better.”

 

“Thank you, Dean,” Castiel said, again, opening the door. “But I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.”


	2. Chapter 2

The support group became a weekly source of strength for Castiel. Knowing that other people have felt what he’s feeling made him feel a little better every week.

He and Dean developed a friendship over the weeks, from sitting next to each other and Dean insisting on driving Castiel home every week.

“Can I ask you something?” Dean asked one day on the way back to Castiel’s.

“Of course.” Castiel felt comfortable Dean. More comfortable than he felt with anyone else.

“You come in alone every week. Does your wife not believe in therapy or something?”

“I’m not married. I never was. It was just me and Alfie.” Dean grinned.

“I didn’t think you were the type, Cas.” Castiel smiled a little at the nickname.

“I’m not. She was a friend, we were drunk. She didn’t want a baby, but I couldn’t let her kill him before he had a chance to live, you know? Not that it mattered much in the end.”

“Hey, those six years are important, Cas. Don’t ever forget that.” Castiel didn’t respond. “I was four when my mom died, but those were the best four years I had. It’s not the amount of time you had, it’s what you did with it.”

“Thank you, Dean.” They pulled up in front of Cas’s house. “I’ll see you next week.”

“See you.” Dean stayed until Castiel was safely inside. Cas watched him go, then walked further into the empty house.

After showering, finding a warm pair of sweats, and pouring a glass of wine, Castiel sat on his couch and opened of his photo albums. Pictures of Alfie without his front teeth smiled up at him. He traced his fingers over the picture and smiled sadly.

Dean was right, he supposed. He should be thankful for the time that he had with his son and the memories that they made, but still hurt to think of all the things that they didn’t get to do.

He slammed the album closed and down the wine quickly. He couldn’t think about that. Not if he wanted to sleep tonight. He poured another glass of wine and drank it slowly. His mind wandered back to Dean, his face, his smile, the way he felt around him. He felt like a child, developing a crush on the boy who sits next to him. It had been so long since Castiel had been attracted to someone, even longer since he had a chance to actually act on that attraction. Longer than even that since he’d been with another man.

He put the wine away and rinsed out the glass. He went to lay down, knowing that allowing his mind to wander down that path wouldn’t end well.

Besides, he had lunch with his sister the next day to rest up for, and letting his imagination run away with Dean Winchester would only lead to a sleepless night.

It was Castiel’s turn to choose where they met, so he chose the Roadhouse. Mostly because Anna hated the atmosphere, but also because he liked the burgers. Anna’s nose wrinkled as it always did when she walked in, but she didn’t comment. She had been much kinder to Castiel since the accident.

He had been reluctant to tell Anna that she was right, but it was her idea after all. They only had lunch once a month, so he’d been a member for four weeks when he saw her again. 

“I’m glad that you’re doing better,” Anna said. “I told you it would help.”

Castiel resisted the urge to roll his eyes. Anna was so like their mother sometimes. You could take the girl out out of the city, but you could take the pretentious rich girl attitude. 

“You were right. I’ve met some great people.” The bell above the door rang and Castiel glanced up out of habit. Dean Winchester had just walked in with another man. He tried not to feel disappointed as he looked away.

“Cas?” He looked up again at the nickname and saw Dean walking over. “I didn’t know you came here.”

“Yes, I enjoy the burgers,” Castiel smiled a little. “This is my sister, Anna. Anna this is Dean, he’s in my group.”

“Nice to meet you,” Anna smiled at him. Castiel did roll his eyes that time. He could count the number of dates he’d lost that smile.

“This is my buddy, Benny. Lunch break.” Castiel nodded at the other man, who responded the same way. “We’re just gonna grab our food and head back to the garage. I’ll see you Thursday, right?”

“Yes. I’ll be there.” Dean grinned, then walked to the bar to order.

“Well, now I see why you kept going. He’s….well built.” Castiel watched Anna’s eyes as she looked over Dean’s body. “Do you have his number?”

“No. And I wouldn’t give it to you if I did.” Anna looked surprised. Dean gave a wave as he and Benny walked our. Castiel gave him a smile.

“You like him!”

“No. We are just friends.”

“Right. Have you made out with him yet?” Castiel rolled his eyes again. “What. You were ‘just friends’ with Crowley, too.”

“That was ages ago. College. I was a kid. And what do you think Father would have said if I had introduced him as my boyfriend?” 

It was Anna’s turn to roll her eyes. She always sided with their parents, even when she knew they were in the wrong. It was one of the main reasons that Castiel had moved so far away. His parents hadn’t even tried to get to know Alfie or comfort Castiel after he died.

They didn’t speak for the rest of their meal. Castiel paid their bill and led her out the door.

“I’m sorry, Castiel. I know that relationships have always been hard for you.”

“It’s alright, Anna. Just forget it.”

“I’ll see you next month. I love you.” She got in her car and drove away without offering ride. Castiel trudged home, suddenly miserable.

Castiel had never been the one people wanted. His own parents hadn’t really wanted him. Michael was the oldest, the smartest, the most important. Lucifer was the black sheep, but with a name like that what else could he be. Anna was the beautiful one, Gabriel was the funny one, and he was just Castiel. A mistake until the very end.

He went straight to bed when he got home, unable to face the rest of the day.

When Dean stopped in front of his house the next Thursday, he turned to Cas.

“So, you’re sister,” Castiel sighed internally, ready to give him her number. Another one lost to Anna’s charms. “She seemed kind of….You didn’t look comfortable.”

“I wasn’t. “ Castiel looked down at his hands. “She asked for your phone number.”

“Really?” Castiel nodded. “Well, if she asks again, you can tell her I’m not interested.”

“You’re not?”

“No. I’ve already got my eye on someone else.” Castiel looked up and met Dean’s eyes. His breath caught at the intensity in them and he nodded.

“I should go,” He said. He needed to get out of there before they did something they both regretted. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Cas.”

Castiel watched him drive away, feeling the first twinge of happiness he’d had in over a year.


	3. Chapter 3

It was raining when Castiel walked out of the grocery store. He groaned at the thought of having to carry his bags through the down pour for the twenty minutes it took to return to his home.

“Castiel!” He turned towards the sound of his name and smiled. It was Joshua, a kind, older black man that he and Alfie had befriended when they went to the community garden.

“Hello, Joshua. It’s nice to see you.”

“You, too, son. Why don’t you get in, I’ll give you a ride home.”

“Thank you,” Castiel placed his bags in the backseat of Joshua’s car and got in the passenger side. Everyone knew that Castiel had sworn off driving since the accident, but few were kind enough to offer him a ride like this.

“How are you doing?” Castiel sighed.

“It’s hard. Very hard.” Joshua nodded.

“I never had any kids. My wife couldn’t. But when I lost her, I had a real hard time of it. The garden helps. Getting your mind on something else.”

“I do miss it,” Castiel said. He missed helping his son plant seeds and seeing the joy on his face when the plants began to grow. Alfie had loved his plants so much. “Day’s like these are the hardest.”

“Yep.” They turned on Castiel’s street. “Son, there’s someone on your porch.”

Castiel was shocked to find Dean standing in front of his door, head down, soaking wet.

“You need me to call somebody?” Joshua asked.

“No, it’s alright. He’s a friend. Thank you for the ride. It was very kind of you.”

“Anytime. Give me shout sometime, we can tend the garden together.”

Castiel gathered his bags and thanked him again. Joshua gave Dean a wary look, but drove away. Castiel ducked his head against the rain and walked quickly up the stairs. Dean looked up at him with red eyes, then looked down again.

"Can I come in?" He asked. Castiel nodded. Dean took the bags from him while he unlocked the door and followed him inside.

"Is everything alright?" Castiel asked, leading him to the kitchen. He instructed Dean to put the bags on the counter.

"It’s Sam’s birthday," Dean said, thickly. "It still gets to me."

"I understand." On Alfie’s birthday, Castiel had sat on the boy’s floor and cried until all he could manage were dry sobs. "Do you want a beer or something?"

"If you don’t mind." Castiel handed him one, then got one for himself.

“Would you like to sit down?” Dean shook his head.

“I’m soaked, man. I don’t wanna ruin your furniture or something.”

“I’ll get you a towel. You must be freezing.”

Just as Castiel was returning from the laundry room with two warm towels from the dryer the power blinked out. He lit candles as Dean rubbed the towel over his short hair and the back of his neck.

“I’m sorry I just dropped in like this. I don’t know a lot of people in town and with you I just feel…” Dean trailed off and Cas nodded.

“I know. Me, too.” Castiel smiled at him. “You can always come to me, Dean.”

Dean had stepped closer and was looking down at Castiel now.

“Thank you. For everything.” Castiel jumped minutely at a loud clap of thunder that sounded in the silence that followed. Dean chuckled at him, earning a dish towel in the face in retaliation.

Castiel led him to the living room, where he lit more candles and they sat down on the couch. He had traded his unopened beer for a glass of wine, his preferred drink. Dean had laughed at that, too.

“May I?” Castiel looked to where Dean was nodding. His photo album sat on the coffee table, a picture of him and Alfie on the cover.

“Yes. Help yourself.” He poured another glass of wine as Dean picked it up.

“He’s cute,” He said, then opened to the first page. “Samandriel?”

“That was his given name. He prefered Alfie.” Dean snorted.

“Smart kid.” His head snapped up and he looked at Castiel. “I’m sorry. That was really rude.”

“It’s alright. I don’t know why I named him that when I always complained about Castiel. Bad names run in the family, I guess.”

“I like your name,” Dean said, quietly. He turned to a page that had a close up picture of Castiel and Alfie, both smiling brightly. “He looks like you. Me and Sammy didn’t look that much a like.”

Dean shifted and pulled out his wallet. He took out a picture of himself and a tall, dark haired man. He passed it to Castiel.

“He’s tall.” Dean laughed.

“Yeah. He was a dork, too. Straight A’s, honor roll, perfect attendance. I…I just wish I knew what happened, you know? What pushed him over the edge and into all the drugs. I wish I could’ve helped him. I wish….” His voice choked up and he looked away.

Castiel laid a hand over his and moved closer.

“It’s okay, Dean.” He said. “I won’t judge you if you cry. There’s nothing wrong with it.”

“I was his dad, you know. I took care of him since he was six months old. I can’t help but think it’s all my fault. What did I do wrong? Maybe if he’d had a mom or if Dad had stuck around more. Maybe if I hadn’t joined the wrestling team my Senior year. I should have tried harder to get him out of there. I shouldn’t have let him go out that night. I‒”

“Hey. You can’t think that way,” Castiel said. “You couldn’t control what your brother, Dean. He was, what, at least nineteen? You couldn’t have stopped him, Dean. He was making his own choices. Nothing you did made him do it.”

Dean didn’t answer, but he did lean into Castiel. Cas knew he was crying, so he ran his fingers through his hair, trying to soothe him. After a while Dean sat up and wiped his face on his sleeve.

“Sorry.”

“It’s alright,” Castiel said, still rubbing his back. Dean looked up and their eyes meet.

Castiel knew it was coming. Had known since Dean dropped him off a few weeks before and told him he wasn’t interested in Anna. Despite that he was still surprised when Dean whispered his name and leaned in.

The kiss was good. So good. Castiel hadn’t been kissed in so long it was almost strange to start again. 

Dean was careful. Deliberate and talented. Just enough pressure, right amount of tongue. He had Castiel pliant beneath him in minutes.

“Dean,” Castiel would have been embarassed at the gasp if he cared. Dean had started kissing his neck, licking and nipping at the skin there. Castiel cried out when he bit down harder near his collarbone. “Dean, upstairs. Now.”

Castiel wasn’t sure how he managed to make it to his bedroom as turned on as he was, but he did. As soon as they got there Dean pushed him up against the wall, kissing him again.

“How long has it been?” Dean asked, panting against his neck.

“I haven’t been with anyone since before Alfie was born. I haven’t been with another man since college.” Dean groaned.

“I’m gonna take good care of you, Cas.” Dean tried to lead him to the bed, but triped over something. “Son of a bitch!”

Castiel laughed and pulled him along, tugging his shirt off as they went. When he found the bed, he pulled Dean down on top of him, running his hands over the bare skin of his back. It took them a few minutes to get each other undressed and Castiel moaned when pressed up against him.

“Top drawer, left side,” He gasped, clinging to Dean a moment. The other man crawled across the matress and dug through the drawer until he found the tube.

“Condoms?” Cas groaned.

“I’m clean.”

“Me, too.”

Dean went slow opening him up, then pressing inside. They moved together, knowing neither would last long. Castiel had forgotten how good it felt to let someone else take care of you. He cried out Dean’s name when he fell over the edge and Dean followed a moment later.

“Whoa,” Dean said, rolling onto his own side. 

“Was that alright?” Castiel asked. It had been very long time. He was probably so out of pratice that Dean would never want to do it again.

“You were fucking awesome. Damn.” Castiel smiled.

“Do you want to spend the night?”

“Yeah.” Dean ran his fingers over his cheek and smiled. They kissed again and the lights blinked back into life.

“Thank God,” Dean said, blinking against the brightness. “I thought that you were gonna have to sleep like that.” Castiel grimaced at the mess covering him and nodded.

“Shower. You should join me.”

It took them a few tries to get clean.

Later that night when they were laying in bed together, Dean pulled him tight against his chest and held him there.

“Thank you for tonight. I know I just showed up out of the blue.”

“It’s alright.” Dean grinned.

“I’ll make you breakfast in the morning. To repay you.”

“I think we took care of that.”

“For the hell of it then.” He kissed Cas’s forehead. “Goodnight, Cas.”

“Goodnight.”

Castiel shared a bed with someone for the first time in years with someone other than his son and slept better than he had in years.


	4. Chapter 4

Dean and Castiel spent a lot more time together after that night.

Dean would pick up take out after his shift at the garage and go to Castiel’s, or they would go out and go back to Dean’s apartment for the night.

Castiel started writing again, sitting for hours at a time in front of his laptop while Dean watched TV or filled out paperwork. He had always done his best work with Alfie playing nearby. The other presence seemed to give him and writing extra life.

“What are you writing?” Dean asked one night, after had Castiel shut down his laptop and moved into the other man’s arms.

“A love story,” He said, resting his head against Dean’s chest and closing his eyes. When it became clear that was all he was giving, Dean pushed a little further.

“Can I read it?” Castiel shrugged.

“Maybe when it’s done.” Dean kissed his hair and finished what was left of his beer. He nudged Cas and said it was time for bed. Castiel couldn’t disagree.

He liked sleeping with Dean. They didn’t need to cuddle every second of the night or wrap their limbs together for closeness. They could start the night nestled together or facing opposite ways on their own sides of the bed. Either way, they knew the other was there, within arms reach and it was a nice feeling.

They decided not to tell the group about their relationship. It wasn’t frowned upon, but it wasn’t really encouraged either. They didn’t want the others to assume that they were only looking to each other for physical comfort. It didn’t stop Dean from leaving hickeys in hard to hide places before meetings though.

Castiel debated over telling Anna and decided against that as well. She already thought that he had joined group because of Dean, he didn’t need to give her anymore reason to believe that.

They did tell some people, of course. Dean told his friend Benny, a bear of a man with a kind smile. Castiel told Crowley, his editor and best friend. 

It was a nice relationship. Something that Castiel didn’t know that he needed.

He didn’t know that he needed someone there with him. He needed the extra presence in a house that was too big for person. He needed someone to hold him. To kiss him. To love him. It had been too long since he had let someone in.

“Dean?” He asked one sunny morning.

“Yeah?” He was putting together a new bookshelf Castiel had bought a few days earlier. Castiel was using the pretense of working to enjoy the view.

“Would you like to come out with me today?” Dean glanced back at him.

“Sure. Where we going?”

“I like to walk on days like these. Let the wind take me.” Dean rolled his eyes.

“You’re such a dork.”

“You love it,” Castiel snarked back.

“I do.” He looked up and met Castiel’s eyes, face serious. Castiel stared back, then looked down at his keyboard. He needed to clean it.

“Me, too.”

They were still for a moment, then Dean went back to work. Castiel shutdown the laptop and just oogled. Dean was wearing a white v-neck that was tight over his arms and chest. Castiel loved Dean’s arms.

“There you go,” Dean said, sitting it upright. “Where do you want it?”

“Just against the wall. I’m not picky.” Dean snorted and moved the shelf, arms bulging with the weight of it. Castiel thought that if mouths really watered, this would be the time.

“Dean.” The other man turned just as Castiel reached him. Dean smiled down at him and kissed him. Castiel slid his hand under his shirt, splaying his fingers over the warm skin of his back.

He wondered what he had done to be awarded such a beautiful, kind man. Dean pulled him closer when the kiss ended, just holding him.

“I do love you,” Dean said into his hair.

“I love you, too.” Castiel pressed his ear against Dean’s chest, listening to his heart for a long while.

“Come on,” He said, when his need to be cuddled finally died down. 

Dean held his hand as they walked through the busy streets. Sometimes Castiel would pull him into stores to look for while before they left again, empty handed.

They stopped for a late lunch at a little cafe Castiel frequented. Castiel took a small notebook from his jacket pocket and a pen. If he heard an interesting name or snippet of conversation, he would jot it down. They took their time eating and enjoying the nice weather while it last added.They got coffee to go and continued their trip.

Castiel stopped to buy flowers at a small street vender. They were yellow and red and smelled nice. Dean offered to carry them, but Castiel shook his head and continued walking.

He didn’t stop until they got to the little gated cemetery behind the church Castiel used to attend.

“Would you mind waiting here for a moment?” Castiel asked. Dean smiled sadly at him.

“Take all the time you need, Cas.” Castiel enter the graveyard and disappeared into the sea of stones. Dean took a seat on one of the little benches and waited for him to come back.

After half an hour, Castiel emerged. There were tears on his face, but he wasn’t crying anymore. Dean wrapped his arm around his shoulders and they made their way back to Castiel’s house.

The sun had mostly set when they arrived. Castiel poured a glass of wine and offered one to Dean. The older man shook his head and leaned against the counter. He hesitated for a moment before finally speaking.

“Cas, you would like to go with me to visit some family out of state?”

Castiel stared at him for a long time. So long that Dean began to feel uncomfortable. Then his face turned angry.

“No.”


	5. Chapter 5

Dean was shocked by the anger in Cas’s voice. He was shocked that Cas was angry at all.

 

“Cas, I-”

 

“You want me to leave my son here and go gallivanting off with you? No, absolutely not.”

 

Dean sighed. So that’s what it was.

 

“Cas-”

 

“I think you should leave,” Castiel turned and walked out of the kitchen. Dean heard a door upstairs slam a moment later.

 

Torn between what to do, he walked up the stairs and knocked on Cas’s door. It was unlocked and the room was empty. Slowly he walked to the next door and light rapped his knuckles against the wood.

 

“Go home, Dean,” Cas’s voice still sounded broken, even muffled by the wood.

 

“Cas, please just talk to me-”

 

“Get out of my house!” Dean finched but followed his instruction.

 

* * *

 

Castiel tears came faster as he heard the Impala drive away.

 

He clutched Alphie’s stuffed bee to his chest and cried for what felt like hours.

 

Why would Dean ask him that? Why would he ever-

 

Cas shook his head, trying to chase the thought away.

 

He needed to get up and make himself look presentable. He had group tonight and if he came looking like this, they were going to want to talk about him. He really didn’t feel like dealing with that tonight.

 

After Castiel scrubbed his face and put some drops in his eyes to reduce the redness, he changed into less rumpled clothes and brushed his hair. that was better. He wrapped his trench coat around himself and started the short trek to the church where his meetings were held.

 

He took his usually seat, greeting the people that were already there. Dean arrived a few minutes after they had already started, stumbling a little. Castiel knew that look.

 

“Nice of you to join us, Dean,” Jody said, but she smiled at him. He gave her a mock salute. “Who would like to start?” Dean raised his hand and jody nodded.

 

“When Sammy died, I was a wreck,” Dean said. “I had been taking care of him for over twenty years and all of a sudden, there was a huge hole in my life. In my heart. I got really low, even started toying with the idea of taking myself out. Then my uncle stepped up and told me I needed to get out of town. To get away from everything that reminded me of him and let myself live for once. It took a lot of cajoling and a lot of fighting, but I ended up taking a long road trip to the east coast.”

 

“Did it help?”

 

“Yeah. I still thought about him. I still hurt and I still missed him, but getting away from Kansas, it gave me a new perspective. There was so much out there that I had missed out on. I still had stuff to do. I still had people to take care of.” The final sentence Castiel knew was directed at him.

 

He stood up and walked out, ignoring the calls coming from behind him. He let out the breath he didn’t know he was holding when the cool night air his his face.

 

“Cas!” He spun around to face Dean, eyes blazing.

 

“What the hell was that!” He yelled.

 

“I was trying to help you.”

 

“How? How was that going to help me. You practically broadcasted our relationship in front of everyone.”

 

“I just wanted to let you know that getting away can help-”

 

“It’s not the same thing, Dean.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“Because Sam wasn’t your son!”

 

The sentence hung in the air between them. Dean just stared at him, eyes wide and hurt. Cas started backpedaling, realizing what he had just said.

 

“Dean, I didn’t-”

 

“Fuck you, Cas. Just fuck you.”

 

Dean turned and walked to his car, slamming the door as he got in. Castiel watched as he drove away, his heart crumbling in his chest.

 

He wasn’t sure how he made it home, he didn’t remember, but all of a sudden he was curled up in his son’s bed, once again clutching his favorite toy and crying into the pillow he rarly used, opting to sleep in Cas’s bed as often as he could.

 

And he cried.

 

He cried for his son, who he would never get to hold in his arms again. He cried for his family, who didn’t even come to funeral or bother to call to check in on him. He cried for the man that he loved leaving him, too. But most of all he cried for himself, because he finally realized he’d never done it before, too wrapped up in the thought that his child would never be older than six.

 

He finally let all the pent up emotion out. All the rage and self-loathing, all the love he had built up for nine months that would last a lifetime, all the hate for the driver that hit them, who didn’t have to deal with pain he left behind. All of it washed away.

 

He fumbled for his phone and hit the first speed dial. When he answered, Castiel started crying again.

 

“When can you be here?” He asked into the phone, curling in on himself.

 

“As soon as I can.”

 

* * *

 

Dean took a drive the next day, needing to feel the roar of his baby in his chest. He was still so pissed about what Cas had said he couldn’t think straight.

 

So what if he hadn’t been Sam real father? He had raised him, he’d nurtured him and helped him with his homework. He’d bought him cold medicine and condoms when he said he needed them and even helped him pick a pregnancy test when him and his girlfriend had a scare in high school. He’d bought him whiskey when he and that girlfriend broke up.

 

He was Sam father in every sense that counted and it wasn’t fair Cas to discredit that just because he’d had a biological son.

 

He drove by Cas’s house, more out of habit than intent and stopped.

 

There was a car out front that he had never seen before. Cas’s window was open and he saw a man inside that wasn’t Cas sitting on the sofa. Castiel joined him a minute later, passing him a coffee up and sitting close to him.

 

Dean drove off, his anger deeping with every passing second.

 

* * *

 

“Thank you for coming at such short notice,” Castiel said. “I know it’s hard to get away.”

 

“Anything for you, Kitten,” Crowley said, taking a drink of his coffee. He made a face and satit down. “Some things never change, I suppose. How are you?”

 

“I had a really bad day yesterday. But I think I’m doing okay.”

 

“Excellent. Do you want to talk about it?”

 

Castiel told Crowley everything. About his support group, meeting Dean, falling in love with Dean, Dean asking him to go away with him and Cas telling him to leave, and what he said in front of the church.

 

Crowley didn’t say anything, contemplating the information.

 

“Castiel, I’m going to ask you something,” Cas nodded. “Is Dean Jensen?”

 

Cas sighed. Jensen was one of the leads in his new book. He had sent Crowley what he had written, to see if it was good enough to continue.

 

“Yes, he is.”

 

“I see. That leads me to believe that you would be Misha?” Cas nodded. The tears were coming again, think about the love story saved on his laptop that he didn’t think he could continue anymore.

 

“Come here, love,” Crowley sighed, opening his arms. Castiel burrowed into him, just as he always had. He breathed in the whiskey, cigar, and leather scent that hung around Crowley and tried to calm down.

 

“What do I do?” He whispered.

 

“I think you should go with him.” Castiel reared back, staring incredulously at his best friend.

 

“I will not leave Alphie here alone-” Crowley shushed him, and pulled him back in, stroking his hair. He knew just how to shut Cas up.

 

“I’m not telling you too. Castiel, I’m sorry, but Samandriel is gone,” Cas made a keening noise in the back of his throat. “I know you love him and that you miss him. I do, too, but he is….he is dead, Cas.” Castiel flinched horribly at the word. “That being said, your son is not in that grave. He’s in your heart, where he has always been. You can never leave him behind as long as you don’t forget him.”

 

Castiel considered that. He had never thought of it that way before. He had always thought that leaving was betraying the one that he loved the most in the world. But Crowley was right.

 

“Thank you, Andreas.”

 

“You know I hate it when you call me that.”

 

He sat up and kissed Crowley. It wasn’t passionate. It didn’t mean anything, not anymore. It was just a way for them to communicate things they couldn’t say.

 

“Go call Dean,” Crowley urged. “That story isn’t finished yet.”

 

Castiel nodded and ran to the phone.

 

* * *

 

Dean pressed the ignore button for the fifth time.

 

He didn’t want to talk to Castiel. He didn’t want to know what he was doing with that guy. He just wanted to forget that they ever happened.

 

After the tenth time Cas called, Dean picked up, if only to tell him off.

 

“I’m sorry,” Was the first thing he heard.

 

“What?”

 

“I’m sorry, Dean. I’m so sorry. Can you come over? I really need to see you.”

 

Dean sighed, but turned around.

 

The guy was gone when arrived. Castiel opened the door for him and led him into the living room, where there was pecan pie and beer on the table. Dean raised an eyebrow at him and Cas blushed.

 

“I wanted to be sure that stayed.”

 

“Talk,” Dean said, sitting down, ignoring the food.

 

“I was stupid,” Castiel said. “I was very, very stupid.”

 

“Yeah, I know.”

 

“Dean, what I said about your brother, that is unforgivable. I can’t believe that I actually - that I could ever-”

 

Dean put a hand on Castiel’s knee, hating to see him struggle that way.

 

“I’m just very sorry that I said it.”

 

“I’m not gonna say it’s okay, because it’s not. But I understand, I guess.”

 

“Thank you. And if your offer still stands, I would very much like to meet your family.”

 

“Really?” Cas nodded. “What changed your mind?”

 

“A friend of mine gave me some good advice. Our story isn’t over yet. We deserve a happy ending.”

 

Dean pulled Castiel into his arms and breathed him in.

 

“Yeah. We really do.”

 


	6. Chapter 6

Castiel knelled in front of the grave stone and brushed away the leaves and grass clipping that had gathered on it. There were flowers there that he didn’t buy, Crowley must have visited when he was in town.

“Hi, baby,” He said, with a teary smile. “I just wanted to coome and say goodbye. I might not be back for a while.

“I met someone. He’s really wonderful. I know that you would like him. His name is Dean and I’m going to be traveling with him. We’re going to different states and if I can get him on a plane we’re going to Europe.

“I just wanted to let you know that I will never love anyone more than I love you. I’ll never forget you, Samandriel. You will always be the best thing that ever happened to me. But….but you’re not here anymore.

“I have to go now. I’ll think of you every day. I love you.”

Castiel kissed the stone and stood. He brushed the grass off of his knees and walked to where Dean was standing nearby.

“Ready to go?” He asked. Dean smiled.

“You go ahead. I’ll meet you at the car,” He kissed Castiel’s cheek and gave him a light push. When he was gone, Dean walked to the grave where Castiel just was and laid his hand on the cool stone.

“I’ll take care of your dad, kiddo. You can rest easy.”

* * *

 

Castiel’s first impression of Dean’s family was they were a a little rough around the edges.

His uncle Bobby owned a salvage yard and was surly and scruffy. But he accepted Castiel without a second thought.

Bobby’s wife, Ellen, owned a bar in town, and she was a little slower to come around. She asked Castiel a million questions about he and Dean met, what he did for a living, his family, everything that she could think of. By the end of the week, Castiel was one of them.

Anna was a little jealous that Castiel got the guy, but she was happy that Castiel was getting better. Castiel didn’t bother introducing Dean to the rest of his family, he wasn’t close to any of them anymore.

* * *

 

Castiel did convince Dean get on a plane, only after he promised to help Dean join the mile high club.

Castiel had been to Europe once on a book tour and was excited to show Dean all of his favorite places.

They took pictures at Big Ben, the Eiffel Tower, and all the other cliche monuments. Dean finished the roll of film by taking pictures of Castiel in various stages of undress. Castiel snuck one of Dean sleeping, the white hotel room sheets wrapped around him and the early morning sun making his tan skin glow.

Castiel loved waking up to Dean, whether he was still asleep, or watching Castiel sleep, or if he woke Castiel up by burrowing up the sheets and using his mouth.

He loved having someone else’s hands on him. Someone taking care of him, healing the hole in his heart. They quickly became the most important things in each other’s lives. They stopped going to group, finding enough comfort in one another.

Christmas came around faster than Castiel expected. He thought that it would be a bad day, facing the first holiday season without his baby, but he was actually okay. Dean held him while he cried for the first little while, but he calmed down after a while. Dean made him lunch and they exchanged gifts under the tree.

Castiel got Dean a new tool set for the garage and a toothbrush. Dean held up the latter with a confused expression.

“I want you to move in. You practically live here anyway.” Dean leaned in and kissed him.

“I’d love to. Open yours.”

Dean had bought Castiel a typewriter, because he always talking about writing a book on one, along with plenty of ink and paper. Castiel was afraid to ask how much it cost.

“I love it, Dean. Thank you.” He moved to kissed him and Dean held up a hand.

“Wait, there’s one more.”

He placed a box in Castiel’s hand. There was only one thing that could fit in a box that small. He unwrapped and opened it, heart pounding. The silver ring inside was beautiful.

“You don’t have to say anything now. I just want you to know that it’s on the table, whenever you’re ready.”

Castiel lunged at him, making Dean fall backwards.

The living room floor wasn’t the best place to make love, but the sore muscles were definitely worth it.

* * *

 

Castiel’s new book came out in June. It reached the number one spot in a week.

He got thousands of letters asking about Jensen and Misha. Were they real? Was Jensen really as perfect as Castiel had written him? Would he write a sequel? They were all answered ‘yes.’ But the most popular question was the one he didn’t answer.

Who do to the intials S.A.N and S.K.W. on his dedication page stand for and why does he owe them everything?

Dean was the first person to the read the book after Crowley edited it. He loved it and the praise made Castiel soar.

Dean went with him on the book tour, mostly because neither of them wanted to be apart. He usually went to explore the cities while Castiel did reading and signings and meet and greets. One day, he went with him and held his hand and talked to people waiting in line.

The became a popular couple among the reading community. Dean was a little weirded out when people started writing more fan fiction about them than Jensen and Misha.

“Dean,” Castiel said one night as they laid in bed together.

“Yeah, baby?” He answered sleepily.

“Thank you for putting me back together.”

He couldn’t see it in the dark, but he could hear the smile in his voice when he responded.

“Thanks for letting me be your missing piece.”


End file.
